Hermione Granger and the Crappy Authoress
by hamsterkid-2000
Summary: Hermione has a mysterious lover, but who? Jello wars, completely OOC, FF slash


WARNING: This story contains graphic descriptions, intrigue and worst of all, jello wars. Read at your own risk. Authoress was horny, on a sugar high and listening to rather inane Blink 182 songs about random sexual acts with family members and animals at the time of inspiration. Please have a psychiatrist close at hand in case of accidents while reading.  
  
DISCLAIMER: J. K. Rowling frequents my cousin's gay lover's ex dance teacher's wife's hairstylist's accountant's neighbour's friend's proctologist's dance partner's brother's cafe. So while I practically AM J. K. Rowling, I'm not her yet. Fliboing is her own person and I don't own her either. The plot is all mine, though... J. K. didn't want it. Something about "SHOCKED!! ... FAMILY AUDIENCES!! ... PERVERT!! ... Let me see that again ... Can I keep this for a few nights?"  
  
And now... ON WITH THE SHOW!!  
  
Hermione removed her tongue from between the flesh, letting out a sigh at the end of the carnal pleasure she had been providing.  
"Note to self: Never eat chocolate pudding with fingers again," she grinned.  
"Yeah, yeah. Now let's get it on," said a mysterious female voice.  
As they 'get it on,' we, dear readers, are going to take this opportunity to observe our surroundings. We know already that there are at least two people of the female persuasion in this room. In fact, they are alone in this room. 'This room' is one of those rooms that seem to pop up so frequently and handily in fanfics. This would be, of course, the convenient secret passage unknown to the teachers, because, you know, they don't ever stumble across these on their own. Anywho, this particular room would be copyrighted by the authoress's imagination, but it's probably cropped up in other fics and she would lose the lengthy court battle. It is a medium sized room, and at first glance looks like a medieval torture chamber. The second glance throws a shadow of doubt on the first idea and by the third glance you know that this is an elaborate S&M chamber. This is made obvious by the rows of various sex toys and the fact that our mysterious female is strapped to a large table with her wrists and ankles handcuffed and ... pink fluffy nipple clamps? And she's being tickled in, erm, places with Hermione's tongue and a large feather? Ummm *authoress coughs uncomfortably* Right about now seems the perfect time to describe our happy couple. Our.. very... happy... couple.  
Hermione, while still wearing her school uniform, manages to look somehow different. Maybe it's the skirt that barely covers her shapely bum, maybe it's the lack of underwear, maybe it's the lack of that huge cloak, maybe it's her top unbuttoned and tied just under her large, soft breasts, maybe it's the lack of bra, maybe it's her dramatic, dark makeup, maybe it's the garter belt and fishnet stockings with the seam up the back of her leg, maybe it's what one could call 'fuck me pumps' (the 9 inch black heels) or maybe it's the whip clenched in her hand, but somehow she manages to look the picture of the schoolgirl-turned-dominatrix. Hmmm, I wonder why. (For those of you interested, the authoress blushed while writing the previous paragraph... she forgot about the button nose, long hair, no longer bushy (in more than one sense of the word), porn star body, dark green eyes, lips that could be compared to *authoress shudders and holds back vomit* Avril Lavigne's *authoress is mildly consoled as Avril Lavigne does, admittedly, have a very nice mouth*, and authoress is off track again)  
The recipient of Hermione's affections, now wearing a ball gag and wincing at the sight of Hermione removing some anal beads from a shelf, is still shrouded in mystery. The authoress, being completely uncreative, has to rely on people accepting "who is Hermione's mystery girlfriend?" as a plot, and therefore this girl will remain secret until the reader figures it out from the many hints or the authoress tells you. And while she toyed with the idea of pairing Hermykins with Parvati or Padma, she thankfully, did not. Anyway, while the identity of Hermione's lover remains secret for the time being, she will be described. She is naked, save for a pair of black leather wings (pleather, really), and a pentacle hanging around her neck. Her tiny body writhes under Hermione's attentions and one can see the round design tatooed at the base of her spine. She wears dramatic eye makeup and has a pierced tongue. Her discarded clothing consists of tight orange fishnet bondage pants, a velvet corset and huge boots covered in zippers and buckles. The authoress realizes that she is completely off topic and off plot and has been for a long while now. She decided to end this chapter here and hopes that readers will not be put off by her rambling descriptions.  
  
Hermione sat at her house table for lunch, turning down Harry's advances for the yillionth time.  
"C'mon Hermy, just one date, one walk around the grounds," pleaded Harry.  
"Harry, I've told you. I. Am. A. Lesbian. I like girls. You are my FRIEND. So make like a fluffball and sneeze," responded Hermione enigmatically. Suddenly someone struck sHermione son sthe shoulder.  
"Excuse me, I need some salt. I'm building a sculpture at the teacher's table," stated the girl who had suddenly appeared behind Hermy. Hermione and Harry fell onto the floor. Lee Jordan turned and fell down too. It appeared that most of the school in fact, was awed by this girl's beauty. True, she was short and tiny and she was wearing an apron as a cape, a black old-fashioned bowler hat and faery wings, but this only added to her magnetic attraction. This was definitely a girl to watch. Pretty AND quirky, more than any Hogwarts guy could handle. She looked like she was waiting for something. Finally Hermione remembered the girl's original request and groped about on the table, finally grasping the needed salt shaker.  
"H-h-h-have it," she croaked.  
"The Exceptional Fliboing thanks you kindly," grinned the girl, Fli... Fliboing? Odd. She went back to the salt sculpture she was building in front of Snape. Shockingly, even flamingl-gay-Snape was agape at the sheer wonder of this girl. In this rare moment of silence, Draco's voice rang out.  
"Pansy! What are you staring at?"  
Although most student's suspected Draco's sexuality was questionable, the rumours had never been confirmed. Oddly, Ron also hadn't noticed anything. Suddenly, Fliboing grabbed a handful of Snape's dessert and lobbed it at Dumbledore. Green jello splattered his beard.  
"Food fight!" they howled in unison.  
These words had a more potent reaction than any spell anyone had ever learned. Immediately, green jello and chocolate pudding were whizzing through the air. There was a moment of suspended animation when Dumbledored slipped in a pile of chocolate pudding, but all gaiety resumed when he stood and lobbed said pile at Hagrid. Neville, being a klutz, also slipped in a pile of goo and nearly cried when everyone laughed and said he'd 'pulled a Dumbledore.' All was well at Hogwarts.  
  
Draco Malfoy was lounging in the Slytherin common room when a thought struck him like a ton of clouds falling painfully on his little toe. Everyone else was dancing drunkenly around the common room while Draco himself was picking his cuticles off with tweezers, a habit he regretted hours after the fact, but something he was obsessive about. Thoughts didn't normally occur in the small enclosure that was his head, but as Pansy Parkinson slipped out the door, turning down all offers of accompaniment, he called out to her.  
"I don't like Harry Potter."  
Pansy sighed and continued on her way.  
  
Hermione and her companion walked in silence along the corridors to their hallway. The mice were scuffling through the walls in an abnormally loud fashion today. Hermione waved her wand and muttered a few words under her breath. The door swung open and -  
"Professor McGonagall? Fluffy?" Four heads turned to look at the pair. Indeed, it appeared Fluffy the three-headed dog had a very intimate relationship with the Professor. One of his heads was buried in his master's lap, another suckling at her chest and the third was licking her face.  
"Hermione Granger! Pansy Parkinson! Well I never ... " gasped the embarassed professor.  
"Ummm, we'll just pretend we never saw this," blustered Pansy. For those of you denser even than the authoress's brother, Pansy is the mystery lover. Get it now?  
The young girls scurried away, giggling under their breath about 'pulling a McGonagall.'  
  
Harry's sandals slapped quietly against his feet on his way to Care of Magical Creatures. Hermione caught up with him.  
"Quick Harry! Take those off! Best to go to Hagrid's classe-" But it was too late.  
"'Arry Potter! What ar' those 'ideous things yer wearin'?" boomed Hagrid's throaty bass voice.  
"You mean my school uniform, sir?"  
"No! On your feet! Sandals ... with SOCKS!"  
"Yes, sir"  
"'Arry, this is a major fashion faux pas. You NEVER wear those two things together! Ever!"  
"Yes, sir"  
"Now, 'Ermione."  
"Yes, sir"  
" ... 'Arry, are you even listening?"  
"Yes, sir"  
"You're dating Draco, Snape AND Professor Sprout?"  
"Yes, si... No, sir!"  
"Do you even know what I was talking about?"  
"Socks and sandals."  
"Good. Now go play with the Booblenoses."  
"But Hagrid ... "  
"No buts. They're friendly. Okay, they ate a few students once or twice. Okay, that was yesterday, but they're really good hearted creatures!"  
"Yes, sir." Harry left to go play with the mildly dangerous creatures.  
"Now, 'Ermione," Hagrid's voice boomed, "What's this I hear about you and Pansy Parkinson being an item?" The class turned to stare at Hermione as Hagrid, oblivious, continued to gossip about such things as Ron's 'special' relationship with his stuffed rabbit, Neville's bad breath and Lavender's 'problem.'  
"Seamus," whipered Neville, "Be careful not to pull a Hagrid!" The boys giggled insanely because this is somehow funny. Flib heard this joke and passed it on until the whole class was in hysterics.  
The authoress is now completely out of ideas for this chapter and on a sugar high. Such a sugar high as the world has NEVER SEEN BEFORE! Read on and be frightened.  
  
Pansy and Hermione caught up to Dumbledore in the Great Hall after breakfast a few weeks later.  
"Professor, can we talk to you?" asked Hermione.  
"Yes, of course. Would you like a marshmallow? Or some candy? Candy is good. Candy improves writing!" The girls shifted uncomfortably as he continued, "Come into my office for some candy."  
In Dumbledore's office, Pansy began the account of their woes. "Professor, Hagrid told everyone about us and now ... and now .. " She burst into tears.  
Hermione stroked Pansy's hair and rocked her back and forth as she started where Pansy had left off. "Even Draco teases us, sir."  
"Goodness. This IS serious. Candy? Marshmallows? Sex toys?"  
The girls stuffed their pockets with the proffered goods while Dumbledore appeared to ponder the problem. After a while, he spoke again.  
"Are the two of ou still here? I thought I gave you candy?"  
"You did, sir, but that didn't solve anything," replied Hermione timidly.  
"Sure it did. Candy solves everything. Very well then. If it's bad enough that even Draco is teasing you about your sexuality, I'll do something about it." He waved his wand and muttered something in latin that seemed to contain the words ... security cameras? Nonetheless, Hogwarts was hit at that very moment by a blast of something. Nobody could remember anything at all about their lessons or the past few days.  
"Ack! Get off me! What the hell are you doing in the same room as me?" howled Pansy as Hermione frantically pretended to wipe something off of her entire person while muttering 'gross' under her breath.  
"There you go, all better," grinned Dumbledore.  
  
Epilogue: Life was back to normal at Hogwarts. Well, almost. For some reason, whenever someone slipped, someone else would invariably mention Dumbledore and oddly enough, everyone would find it funny. Ditto when someone commented on a fashion faux pas - a Hagrid. And any references to bestiality tended to lead to McGonagall's name. Nobody seemed to know why this was so funny. And occasionally, someone would have the word "Fliboing" pop up in their head, but nobody knew what it meant. Just a few more mysteries to be unravelled by the Wonder Trio.  
  
Authoress's final note: This is the first fic I'm putting up here, so if you're gonna tell me it sucks, I know that already. The problem is that when I write, I start strong and end weakly. Regardless, R&R, let me know what to change. Give me plot ideas or something. And for now, I'm off to sleep. Oh, I nearly forgot. You should all worship Fliboing. I should remember her username and when I do, I'll post it if it's ok with her. She writes a lot better than me. I can carry a tune better than I can carry a plot (that's rough.) *bows at Flib's feet*  
  
Authoress's thought on future HP relationships in the trio: A lot of HP is based on other, older folklore. Which is good, it gives you something to read afterwards. But if we were to look at the parts of the books that resemble Arthurian legends, particularly the Wonder Trio, we would notice a main male character, a loyal male friend and a female sidekick, right? Just like Arthur/Harry, Lancelot/Ron and Guinevere/Hermione. Oh, and both girls have difficult-to-spell names. Anyway, point being, I predict Hermione will date Harry and then cheat on him with Ron. Although it's probably been done in a fic somewhere. GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!! 


End file.
